Apparently, my posts have been throwing some of you for a loop. Swirling emails and questions about whether or not I think you have been untruthful have been abundant today. Please, let me put your worries to rest. I do not think you've been dishonest in anything. The source of my introspection is quite simply....
Exhaustion and Grief.
I am so exhausted I don't even know what day it is. Copious amounts of caffeine have been the staple of my diet for the last two weeks and, quite honestly, I'm so jittery at some points during the day I have to sit down or fall over. 2am has become my normal bedtime, and since the children wake up at 5:30-6:00, I get about 4 hours of sleep each night. Let me assure you that 4 hours of sleep is NOT a good thing.
There are things that I miss about sleeping. Like my pillow and having my eyes closed in rest rather than irritation because someone has decided to put marker all over my slipcovered sofa. And then there's those glorious silky sheets. I vaguely remember them, but...only vaguely.
Sleep. It's a long lost friend. And the lack of it is the muse that leads to wild ramblings on my blog in the wee hours of the morning.
And then there's grief.
Did I tell you I was playing back old messages on the answering machine and came across one from Frances? Do you know what she said at the end of her message? She said, "I love you and I'll be watching for you." Shattered my heart into a million pieces all over again.
I know it may not make sense to you why her death would affect me so much, but it did. It does. As horrible as it may seem to say I'm used to saying goodbye; it's true. I've had plenty of practice with working at the nursing home. I've said my fair share of goodbyes and kissed my fair share of foreheads over labored breaths and unresponsive eyelids. And I wouldn't trade those moments, no matter how hard they were, for an instant.
But with her....well, she was MY Frances. She wrote to me almost every week, sent me copies of the newsletter, kept me up to date on the gossip, and called me just to say hello. And though she was never one to show or speak a lot about her emotions....she always told me she loved me and how much I meant to her.
So, if I'm being too introspective, too disjointed in my thoughts and too philosophical in my posts....that's why.
Nothing beside me reaching out, searching for a connection to help curb the exhaustion and stem the flow of grief. Because ever bit of connection helps do that. Renews my energy, makes me smile and gets me through the day, or night as the case may be.
So, don't worry. I know you're who you say you are.
I'm just trying to figure out who I am at the moment.